"Be conservative in what you do; be liberal in what you accept from others.” Jon Postel

Friday, February 6, 2015


I think that I have spent my entire life resisting the particular structure known as a schedule. Ask my homeroom teachers about how often I was late to school. Ask all of my bosses about whether I struggled to get to work on time. Ask my poor, hungry husband about my ability to put supper on the table at a consistent and reasonable hour. Ask my daughter about my ability to get her to college on time the year that we commuted together.

(My daughter has chosen to rebel against her upbringing by becoming a time-conscious, prompt, and on-schedule person. Good choice!)

Knowing this, you can predict what an amorphous shape my days have taken since retirement. I have a list of daily goals and I do a pretty good job of meeting them, but when things will happen is not defined, and each day becomes increasingly busy with activity as I run out of waking hours to accomplish my goals.

The one constant defining point of my day’s structure is taking my Tarceva, which I do first thing in the morning. After that, I have to wait one hour to eat or drink, so engagement really starts after breakfast. The question every morning is, however, how much time slips away in the company of my good buddy the Internet before breakfast actually happens. Often that one hour wait for complete absorption of the medicine stretches to two hours.

I now have to fit another drug into my schedule; due to side effects from the Tarceva, I’m taking doxycycline twice per day for 6 weeks. This is a drug that demands careful, consistent scheduling. You have to take it one hour before or two hours after a meal for full absorption. I haven’t asked my doctor yet if I can take it at the same time as the Tarceva, but my gut feeling about that is to let the Tarceva have my body all to itself at dosing time. After getting the bottle of doxy and reading the dosing guidelines, my head was spinning around how I can organize my life to take this medication properly.

My conclusion is that I am going to have to structure my life around a more consistent timetable. This means less dawdling after taking the Tarceva, and supper on the table at an earlier hour. I’ll have to focus my dairy on breakfast and supper, and have little or no dairy at lunch. Thank goodness I am a big fan of the peanut butter sandwich.

I’m amused that medicine has taken over the role that having a job used to have in giving my day a structure. I have my doubts as to whether I will be any more successful in cheerfully and consistently adopting this new structure than any other schedule I’ve had in my life. If I can - well, good for me, on more than one level.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014: Summary of a Year of Knitting

Through the twists and turns of a life-changing year, I kept on knitting. One project knit during the turmoil of spring and summer did not get recorded in pictures or on Ravelry, but I have a stand-in at the ready to represent it.

A toque for Ana. The pattern is by Anna Zilboorg from her book 45 Fine and Fanciful Hats to Knit, a favorite of mine.


Very pretty, but someone stole this out of Ana’s mailbox in Montreal and she never got to wear it. That’s OK - to tell the truth, the yarn was kind of scratchy and this was probably not going to be a successful hat in the wearing.

So, onward to a replacement toque:


Better colors to match her winter jacket, and much more satisfactory yarn. There is quite a bit of cashmere in that white yarn - mmmmm, soft.

Two pairs of fingerless gloves. The pair on the left was for Ana, the pair on the right was for me. The pattern: Hexagon Mitts by Sybil R.


This is a fun project that starts with the thumb, grows outward, and then down. The orange yarn in my pair is some of my early handspun.

Sometime during the spring I cast on a pair of socks for my mother, from my only published pattern, Dragonskin Socks. Blue is my mom’s favorite color, and I used Spinning Bunny Hand Dyed Panda Yarn, a lovely variegated yarn that is a blend of merino and bamboo, in shades of blue . The socks fit her well, and she tells me she is enjoying them this winter. I finished them in late July. Standing in for my mom’s pair is a pair I made for my husband Robert in 2013.


Next up: My masterpiece. It was a year and a half in the making.


Beautiful pattern (Lorelei by Tonia Barry), luscious yarn, and perfect fit. This is the best sweater I have ever knit for myself.

I don’t knit a lot of sweaters in recent years, but I rushed forward and finished a second sweater for myself, in less than 5 months time!


I love this picture of me with the statue of Rachel Carson in Woods Hole, MA. This is a tweaked version of Marnie MacLean’s Damariscotta. The yarn is 50% wool, 50% bamboo, so it’s very breathable. I plan to submit it to a local exhibit of knitting projects completed during 2014.

Last completed during the year: a sturdy, colorful pair of mittens.


The main yarn is handspun, hand dyed Cotswold from Diamond Ledge in Vermont. We are not supposed to call yarn “scratchy” any more - the new term is “crunchy”. The yarn was too crunchy to use for a scarf, but mittens are a perfect use for a yarn that is going to be very strong and warm. I used a pattern called Toe Up Mittens by Lynn Hershberger and found a complementary lopi yarn in my stash so that I could have nice, long cuffs after I ran out of the cotswold.

I begin the new year with three projects on the needles: a pair of socks, a lace shawl, and a vest. The last two are leaps of faith, that my current state of well being will be with me long enough to both finish and enjoy wearing more major pieces of knitwear. I end with this quote:

 “Knit on, with confidence and hope, through all crises.” — Elizabeth Zimmerman

Sunday, November 30, 2014

November Wrap-up: Obligatory Gratitude Edition

It seems like a blog post on gratitude would be standard fare from any cancer patient who finds herself doing well in late November. I am doing well, and I am indeed grateful!

My 3-month scan after starting treatment with Tarceva shows significantly diminished cancer in my lungs. There are some pesky swollen lymph nodes in my armpits, and I had a PET scan last week to take a look at them. My oncologist will discuss results with me this week. I’m feeling confident that whatever they are doing, we can deal with them due to one simple fact:

I feel great. Yes, there are pesky side-effects, but the big deal is that I feel healthy and vigorous and I am gaining in strength.

I’m grateful for good tools, all of which are helpful now or in the future to maintain my health. The ones most important to me right now:

- Mindfulness meditation classes with my friend Charlie Bradt, and support from his website “What do you really want?”. I started going to Charlie’s weekly sessions before my diagnosis, and I credit what I am learning from him, the resources he shares, and my own practice with helping me weather the storm of the diagnosis as well as I did. Meditation helps me be positive, hopeful, joyful, and loving every day.

- The online game HabitRPG. My daughter turned me on to this fun and helpful role-playing game, where you list the habits you want to develop and the tasks you want to accomplish, and check them off as you accomplish them. It’s surprisingly fun and reinforcing to collect pets and equip my avatar, and I also work hard to do all of the daily things I want to do (meditate, drink water, exercise, write in my journal) to avoid losing health. I firmly believe that establishing consistent healthy patterns of behavior is one of the most proactive things I can do to maintain my wellbeing.

- The number of good drugs for my particular cancer variant that are rapidly becoming available. There are new drugs being developed that work on EGFR mutations after a cancer becomes resistant to first line drugs such as Tarceva, and people are having excellent results from those drugs.

- Retirement. What a wonderful gift to give myself! I am truly fortunate that I was ABLE to retire. Robert and I are not rolling in money, but we will continue to be comfortable.

- Good health insurance. Again, I am fortunate. So far nothing has been denied me, and everything is covered.

- On-line communities of cancer patients. I am using two in particular for information (SmartPatients.com and Inspire.com), and find them to be very helpful for finding out about treatment trials, what other people like me have learned, and how other people are doing with various treatments, new and old. These sites are, with few exceptions, positive, hopeful, troll-free places.

- Unconditional love from family and friends.

I am feeling so well, I have just volunteered to train as an AARP tax aide for the upcoming tax season. It’s a big step for me to make an outside commitment, and I’m looking forward to helping others this winter.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Another Birthday

Today I am 63 years old, and I look back over a year that took me by surprise. None of us knows what lies ahead, and the Universe decided to use a sledgehammer to remind me of that truth over the past 12 months.

A year ago I was:

- a workaholic, juggling many different sets of responsibilities at my job.

- a person who got little exercise and who weighed more than I liked.

- glued to a computer screen for almost my entire day.

- feeling isolated much of the time.

- dabbling in mindfulness meditation, but without a practice.

- surprisingly healthy and prone to occasional feelings of well being, given all of the above.

Today I am:

- retired, and loving it. I feel no guilt at all about not showing up to work any more!

- a person with stage IV cancer.

- a person who is significantly more active. I go for a walk every day, and in general try to stay on my feet.

- still a lover of the computer and the smart phone, but not as tied to them.

- overwhelmed by the love of so many people.

- a person with a mindfulness meditation practice - although every practice can be strengthened.

- surprisingly healthy and prone to more frequent feelings of peace and well being, given all of the above.

Whatever happens in the next year, I will be fine.

And now I’m heading out the door to join my family for the wedding of my nephew, which is a celebration of Life - all our lives and all of our stories, including my own.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Where There's Hope, There's a New Sweater

One of the issues I grappled with early after diagnosis was: what the heck do I knit now? Sweaters and lace shawls are wonderful to make and wear, but they take a while to complete. An added consideration is how much wear they will get now that I’m retired. I could certainly wear that gorgeous lace-bottomed cardigan around the house, but will I? Does this mean that I had best restrict myself to small projects and gifts for other people to wear?

Gifts are another issue all by themselves. It’s surprisingly difficult to knit a gift that the recipient likes, or uses. Socks are the best bet, but even they are problematic.

I have resolved this issue by deciding to knit what I feel like knitting. This means that I now have a new sweater. I finished it in time to wear on a recent trip to Cape Cod (although not in time to wear to my retirement dinner).

Here I am in Wood’s Hole, Massachusetts, by a memorial to Rachel Carson. Wood’s Hole is a fascinating spot, as scientific work provides a lot of jobs in the area though NOAA and the Marine Biological Laboratory. I found out that Rachel Carson worked for NOAA. She is an important person in my life, because her book Silent Spring was my introduction to ecology.


Other views of the sweater:

IMG_2535-2014-10-9-17-32.jpg IMG_2540-2014-10-9-17-32.jpg

The pattern is Damariscotta, designed by Marnie MacLean and available at the Twist Collective. I knit it in a Canadian yarn, Specialty Designer Yarns 50% Bamboo 50% Merino. It’s soft and cushy, warm and breathable. The sweater has shaping, is knit from the top down in the round, and was designed to have cap sleeves. When I got the body done, I had a lot of yarn left, enough to make 3/4 length sleeves. They seem more appropriate to the weight of the yarn and the tone of my arms than the original sleeve would have been.

The pictures above are a good demonstration of how hard it is to photograph yarn colors accurately. Three photographs, three shades of purple. The actual sweater is very close to Radiant Orchid, Pantone’s Color of the Year for 2014.

As for hope, blood tests indicate that the targeted chemotherapy I’m taking is working, and I am feeling remarkably well. I have cast on a lace shawl to celebrate.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I am not a rock. I am not an island.


After a busy couple of months, I have retired, and I am under treatment.

The treatment is a pill taken first thing in the morning. The medicine is very expensive, to all of us in the aggregate although not to me as an individual. Thank goodness for good health insurance. I do have a genetic mutation in the cancer and am able to take targeted treatment. I’m dealing with some side effects, but they aren’t as uncomfortable as full-bore chemo.

I’ve been taking care of business. New wills and powers of attorney are executed, my passwords are in a sealed envelope in the lawyer’s safe, beneficiaries are updated, and expenses have been dialed back. I finished my job as neatly and completely as possible, and left matters in good shape for my successor. All of this is liberating. As each task gets done, there is more time to simply enjoy living.

I am an oldest child, and I’ve spent much of my life being a responsible person. Now I am pulling back from that role. At the moment, I have very few responsibilities and I am loathe to add any beyond care of friends and family, and paying the bills on time.

I’ve been the rock, the person you can count on. Not any more. It’s time for a new role, and a life lived more lightly.

At the same time, I have never felt less isolated in my life. The abundance of love I have been shown by family and friends is overwhelming. I never realized before how many people care. All I can do in return is love back. There is a lot of peace in loving.

I have a new way of living to explore, and I am surprisingly happy to be in this place.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Knitting Blog: A Most Successful Sweater

Knitting a sweater to completion becomes more daunting as the years go by. The reason: My standards for success keep becoming more refined. There are so very many ways to screw up a sweater, all of which may result in an unflattering, poorly fitting, or uncomfortable item of clothing on which you have spent a long time, and probably a substantial amount of money. Yarn does not come cheap. I think many knitters have thought, while wandering through racks of sweaters in a clothing store, “I could knit that for twice the price!”

I started this project with one strike against it: I could not make gauge in my trial swatches. The yarn I wanted to use was Reynolds Coco, a discontinued yarn purchased at a bargain price years ago from a yarn store that has been long closed. The yarn was just a wee bit finer than the yarn used to create the original sample for the pattern, so the fabric that felt and looked right had slightly more stitches and rows per 4 inches than the specified gauge. I did some figuring, and decided to cast on a size larger than I would have knit if the yarn could match the pattern gauge. The yarn was worth the attempt - a luscious blend of wool and rayon with lovely sheen and drape and a rich, glowing emerald color.

The pattern: “Lorelei”, designed by Tonia Barry and published by the Twist Collective. I cast on my first stitches on November 17, 2012. Emerald was Pantone’s Color of the Year for 2013, and I was excited by the idea of finishing a sweater in 2013 in that year’s color. I then proceeded to be diverted by a number of smaller , less risky projects. As 2013 drew to a close, I realized that I needed to actually spend time knitting this sweater if I ever wanted to actually wear it. I finally finished it on April 14, 2014, just as it became too warm to wear wool sweaters. Oh well, I am ready to face this coming winter in style.

This might be the nicest sweater I have ever knit for myself.


A detail of the lace pattern at the bottom of a sleeve:


I read the pattern carefully when I started the sweater, and I realized that I couldn’t knit it as-is and be completely happy with the end result. I wanted a cast-on edge that would blend into the lace texture. The pattern needed one extra stitch (a selvedge stitch) at the sides, where the sweater would be sewn together. It also needed a better buttonhole. Here are my notes on my project page on Ravelry:

  • Use of a selvedge stitch is highly recommended! I don’t understand why one wasn’t designed in to make the lace match perfectly when the sweater is sewn up.

  • If you use a selvedge stitch, you will need to reverse the moss rib pattern on the sleeve bottom for the rib to flow into the lace pattern.

  • I used Techknitter’s Tulips buttonhole. A sweater like this deserves the best buttonhole you can give it.

  • I used the Rib Cable Cast-on described at http://www.keep-on-knitting.com/rib-cable-cast-on.html. It produced a beautiful edge to the sweater that works perfectly with the moss rib specified for the first few rows.

  • I’m happy with the result of my gauge substitution on my body. Warning to another knitter considering a similar gauge substitution: you may find the fit at the armscye to be too tight. This sweater fits me more like a blouse than a cardigan in the underarm.