scifiknitter

The material below is adapted from a piece I have submitted to the smartpatients.com patient support website. The phone call took me by surprise. Jon M., a man I’ve known and respected for many years, called me on behalf of the Worship Committee of the Unitarian Universalist Church of Canton, New York. He told me that it was hard for him to call me, because he was asking me to give a sermon at the church on my experiences and thoughts as a stage IV lung cancer patient. My response surprised me even more. I said yes. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but even more than whatever good such a sermon could do for others, I knew that doing this work - writing and delivering a sermon on my discovery that I am mortal - would be good for me, and it would be consistent with how I live my life. I also could not think of a more supportive audience for what I might have to say. I agreed to give the sermon on March 1, 6 weeks from the date of the call. My gut told me not to wait too long. My gut was corr...

So much has happened since I last published a blog entry, it’s difficult to start writing again- where do I start? I have been writing, but in other venues. I wrote a sermon, and I wrote a piece for a patient support web site. More on that in subsequent posts. Right now, I want to write about our daughter Ana. When I think of her, I think of what Kahlil Gibran wrote about children in The Prophet : Your children are not your children.   They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.   They come through you but not from you,   And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.   You may give them your love but not your thoughts.   For they have their own thoughts.   You may house their bodies but not their souls,   For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.   You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.   For life goes no...

I think that I have spent my entire life resisting the particular structure known as a schedule. Ask my homeroom teachers about how often I was late to school. Ask all of my bosses about whether I struggled to get to work on time. Ask my poor, hungry husband about my ability to put supper on the table at a consistent and reasonable hour. Ask my daughter about my ability to get her to college on time the year that we commuted together. (My daughter has chosen to rebel against her upbringing by becoming a time-conscious, prompt, and on-schedule person. Good choice!) Knowing this, you can predict what an amorphous shape my days have taken since retirement. I have a list of daily goals and I do a pretty good job of meeting them, but when things will happen is not defined, and each day becomes increasingly busy with activity as I run out of waking hours to accomplish my goals. The one constant defining point of my day’s structure is taking my Tarceva, which I do first thing in the morning. ...

Through the twists and turns of a life-changing year, I kept on knitting. One project knit during the turmoil of spring and summer did not get recorded in pictures or on Ravelry, but I have a stand-in at the ready to represent it. A toque for Ana. The pattern is by Anna Zilboorg from her book 45 Fine and Fanciful Hats to Knit , a favorite of mine. Very pretty, but someone stole this out of Ana’s mailbox in Montreal and she never got to wear it. That’s OK - to tell the truth, the yarn was kind of scratchy and this was probably not going to be a successful hat in the wearing. So, onward to a replacement toque: Better colors to match her winter jacket, and much more satisfactory yarn. There is quite a bit of cashmere in that white yarn - mmmmm, soft. Two pairs of fingerless gloves. The pair on the left was for Ana, the pair on the right was for me. The pattern: Hexagon Mitts by Sybil R. This is a fun project that starts with the thumb, grows outward, and then down. The orange yarn in my p...

It seems like a blog post on gratitude would be standard fare from any cancer patient who finds herself doing well in late November. I am doing well, and I am indeed grateful! My 3-month scan after starting treatment with Tarceva shows significantly diminished cancer in my lungs. There are some pesky swollen lymph nodes in my armpits, and I had a PET scan last week to take a look at them. My oncologist will discuss results with me this week. I’m feeling confident that whatever they are doing, we can deal with them due to one simple fact: I feel great. Yes, there are pesky side-effects, but the big deal is that I feel healthy and vigorous and I am gaining in strength. I’m grateful for good tools, all of which are helpful now or in the future to maintain my health. The ones most important to me right now: - Mindfulness meditation classes with my friend Charlie Bradt, and support from his website “What do you really want?” . I started going to Charlie’s weekly sessions before my diagnosis...

Today I am 63 years old, and I look back over a year that took me by surprise. None of us knows what lies ahead, and the Universe decided to use a sledgehammer to remind me of that truth over the past 12 months. A year ago I was: - a workaholic, juggling many different sets of responsibilities at my job. - a person who got little exercise and who weighed more than I liked. - glued to a computer screen for almost my entire day. - feeling isolated much of the time. - dabbling in mindfulness meditation, but without a practice. - surprisingly healthy and prone to occasional feelings of well being, given all of the above. Today I am: - retired, and loving it. I feel no guilt at all about not showing up to work any more! - a person with stage IV cancer. - a person who is significantly more active. I go for a walk every day, and in general try to stay on my feet. - still a lover of the computer and the smart phone, but not as tied to them. - overw...

One of the issues I grappled with early after diagnosis was: what the heck do I knit now? Sweaters and lace shawls are wonderful to make and wear, but they take a while to complete. An added consideration is how much wear they will get now that I’m retired. I could certainly wear that gorgeous lace-bottomed cardigan around the house, but will I? Does this mean that I had best restrict myself to small projects and gifts for other people to wear? Gifts are another issue all by themselves. It’s surprisingly difficult to knit a gift that the recipient likes, or uses. Socks are the best bet, but even they are problematic. I have resolved this issue by deciding to knit what I feel like knitting. This means that I now have a new sweater. I finished it in time to wear on a recent trip to Cape Cod (although not in time to wear to my retirement dinner). Here I am in Wood’s Hole, Massachusetts, by a memorial to Rachel Carson. Wood’s Hole is a fascinating spot, as scientific work provides a lot of...